I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
