I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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