Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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