i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
