got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
