i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
