Your tits are I can't wait for
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
