i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
