never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
