I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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