Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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