Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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