around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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