Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
