I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
