We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
