I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
