I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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