she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
