Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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