He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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