I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
