When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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