Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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