Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
