this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
