my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
