which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
