All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
