So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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