My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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