Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
