Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
