I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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