Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
