I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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