i need an iv and a liver transplant
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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