WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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