hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
