remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
