I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
