She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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