I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
