i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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