thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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