i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
