oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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