The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
