you traded sex for a burrito?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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