so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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