I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
